penakut

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucapkan tak pernah engaku tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah kau cuba ringankan

Kau bukan milikku
Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Kau bukan milikku
Dan engkau pun tahu
Kau bukan milikku

anyeong

i havent spilled out any news abt me going to korea have i? so yeah, a flight to seoul, korea. i was so blessed that no words can describe how i felt when i saw my idols more or less just 10 metres away from me and the amount of hpt guys i saw omg uncountable. love it most when the oppas smile at me. maybe theyre a bit jakun to see someone hot in 'hijab' HAHAHAHAHA 

Naminara Republic

Mount Seorak

Donghwa Market

Teddy Bear Farm

Everland Theme Park

Gyeongbok Palace

Dongdaemun Design Plaza— the place where i saw my fav photographers and models. they were having chanel cruise there at night but me and my sister fleed there at 3pm like that so we didnt get to see gd, taeyang, cl, krystal, gerrard, kristen stewart and many more. yep just me and my sister. i hated my tour guide at that moment bcs he gave us so little free time to go anywhere we liked but nvm, im still glad i had the chance to see my male models rehearsed AND YAS I STILL CANT BELIEVE I WENT IN THE PLACE IVE BEEN WORSHIPING ALL THIS WHILE lol thought we couldnt go in but i guess the dslr we brought along made the police think we were sent by some malaysias mag for that chanel cruise

Trick Eye Museum 

1 degree celsius Ice Museum

Donghwa Plaza

       

Myeong-dong Fashion Street

MBC, SBS, YTN Buildings

Namsan Tower

i am very very content fuh its been a good year so far, and i hope my lucky streak conntinues

p/s; for more phs yall can check this out

kkkk

never thought i might bump into dong wook

so far so great

it is still astounding to me, how much has happened in 4 months and to be honest, i miss all the memories i left behind. im holding on to so many good memories now. it feels like im passing from one good time to the next, every fucking minute. from representing the school as a ping pong player, having lee zi yan waiting for me on my birthday with a piece of cake in his hands, making intense eye contacts with a lovely crush, getting a follow on instagram by that crush, to going for a state camp in a week ahhh the hotties i saw and will soon see <3 and just to keep yall updated, ive also done shits i thought id never do like replying strangers smiles yeah i replied strangers smiles like finally! lol juliet died for romeo but the most ive done for any guy is smile back and yet im complaining about how single i am lol 

ok so, 2015...im deeply thankful for this phase of my life
*breathes in, breathes out*

ive been meeting so many new faces since then. ive grown to love those new faces which soon became familiar and id love to say that perhaps, right now, im very happy and blessed with whatever i have— a loving family & incredible friends. but to say ive never felt invisible means im bending the truth. in fact, i feel more invisible than ive ever had this time and that feeling isnt strange to me. i wanna feel this way. i wanna be invisible. yes i do love all those familiar faces but i just wanna be unknown. i wanna stop all this "hi how are u" and start a new life as an unknown creature. im tryna shrink this circle of people who are worth keeping and throw away all the people who bring no benefits to me but i dont know how. i feel guilty but then again, everyone knows i never cared about other peoples feelings and that makes me wonder why i still cant let go of this bunch. bunch of people i dont belong with. im clueless. 

big jump

i was still strapped in my seat when i saw the rain started drenching the kajang town. i leaned forward, resting my face in my hands and thinking about the new things id be bombarded with today as a form 4 student, in the school ive been going since std 1. my dad stopped the car. i got a little bit excited and nervous at that moment. well, normal people would usually go to their friends once their parents dropped them at school but not me. i had to line up with some of my friends at the front gate, waiting for our turns to write our names as the late comers lol k as what other schools would do on their first day, we did the same thing—we started off by hearing our cocky principle rambling about.....err sorry i never really gave a damn about anything she said, so i really cant recall anything lol mengantuk doh bangun awal k anyways today was so much worse than i expected. those smart people in my class are not helping at all. theyre making my self esteem goes from 0% to -27% every time. they keep making me feel as though im not eligible to be in a sc streamed class! can u feEL THE PRESSURE?!

sigh

first day of school had been so busy already and yet i can still update this shit. i bet yall could smell this years scents of busyness too as they permeate in every crevice of ur keypads loooool k u see, ive been teased with the taste of hell since i started my life as a secondary school student. everything has been changing drastically since then. they made me practice what they are not going to ask again tomorrow. the things i learnt mean absolutely nothing now. everything is being thrown away, like slow death, im starting to laugh at how stupid i was for not studying the form 4 syllabus from the start. i swear this years syllabus is so culture shocking man. however, i believe that along the way as im learning more and more each day, ill find myself answering the shits i never knew existed. i know in time, i would definitely get better. yep altho i know somehow, sometime in the future, all these wouldnt mean so much. but nvm, everyone will suffer this utmost degree of suffering eventually.

im telling yall; it requires a great deal of expertise to deal with these drastic of changes ceh im talking as if ive lived for 765 years

fast forward 18 months

the clock at the bedside shows 9 in the am, i was tossing and turning, hoping i could sleep it off but i just couldnt and then i thought of my abandoned blog sooooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL!!! OMG ITS ALREADY 2015

...lol here comes the guilt for still existing. aaaahhhh!!! two k fifteen arrived too soon omg i cant believe ill be celebrating my sweet 16 in 3 months time lol ok so talking bout new year, all of u must have had new years resolutions right? but im sure most of it are just from ur last years new-years-resolutions list that was supposed to be done in the year bfr last year...which u wrote in 2012 and planned in 2011 bcs mine is like that but i just added in a new one which is "be friends with hot guys" as i never had handsome friends :(

2014— it was an awkward year, that i must say. it all started explicitly perfect! bcs december 2013 ended with rainbows and swarmed with butterflies lol little did i know, as days passed by, things became sour that i wondered if was it just an ordinary phase everyone was enduring as well or was it hell. "it is going to be ok sooner" i told myself. hours became days, days became weeks, and weeks became months...not a damn sign that it was gonna be ok. it became worse! i had to deal with me looking at every hot guy i saw and thinking "this is it! this is love, isnt it? were really meant for each other baby" afterwards convincing myself that it was true; i was in love, the unexpected news of pt3, the pt3 result i was told to be proud of regardless of how bad it is and the hypocrites leaving me in the end omg i could die of heartbreak if i think back of the lies they told me but im fixed to be fixed, as im always broken lol after all it was still a year, i enjoyed it nonetheless.

sigh~~ if i had the power to turn back time, id stop at when i talked to the guy i loved, for the first time. when we were both sitting on the seats (obv), overlooking our mates running at the full speed during mssd last year. the scene i oddly could still paint at the back of my mind— his lovely face. imagine how wonderful my life would be with the absence of the lover of the guy whom i thought i was destined to be with lol it must had been perfect. id live eternally in that moment. 

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt, what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

mother's day

Today is your day. Everyday is, to be precise. 

I know you've given me all your heart but yet I pour you with all my imperfections and colour your life with chaos of trouble. It really isn't my intention to do that but you still accept me for who I am. Wow, I am very fortunate to have you in my life! Ibu, I love you so much. Fuck I don't know the right way to justify it's extremity. And today, I came to realized that you're 'actually' incredible yet unbeatable. You see, the moment I look at your face whilst you wearing a beautiful smile, I feel whole again. Even when I just went through out my breakdown, fall out, depression or when I was about to die. I don't want you to leave, saranghae! 

"Smiles turns into laughs and laughs turn into kisses and before you know it, the days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. And you'll find yourselves forgetting what it was like before they were in your life "

surrealistically 14

was born perfect

I put my traumatic childhood analogies aside and enjoy the vivid live I've been living for 14 years. Forming memories that I've struggled to remember. Happy isn't mythical and so I smile in silence, now line says without words. hb 2 me

exhausty

im starting to slowly blend in with my concerned classmates. they arent that bad after all..but then, i start to feel the pressure being a student, a rebel child & a friend...excuse me but im not that type of person who would do whatever you command at me cause u know, i have tons of things to do; homework—falling onto my own (summertime) sadness & etc. 

like a fool (i am) if i say ive never felt happy and calm, but there are also some days where i felt so unrealistic and unhappy wah i can feel the obvious veins in my eyes are starting to expose themselves as i typed the word happy. didnt know i was this stressed lol. id be lying if i said i had never thought of escaping from this world. no, im not whining but i cant stand all these people who cant stop talking bad bout me. u see, me too, i dont like hearing things i had taught to not desire. its fine if they dont like me but they dont really needa make everyone hates me too. but i genuinely agree that sometimes, i deserve to be not liked bcs i can be so selfish sometimes—all i could think about is how messed up my feelings that are buried inside when other people had it worse.

well, being a human with extremely unstable emotion, i have my own ups and downs and i know that life is full with trials & exams and all i could do is face whatever hardships im in, impetuously, smiling without any vivid feelings. and i do understand that just because im sad now, doesnt necessarily mean that ill be sad forever. everyone has their own excruciatingly sad moments...

failing. depleted.

frowns

Happiness is a myth & a complete hoax. 

Feeling complete annoyance towards all these fights that make me wonder when was the last time any of us in this house hugged each other. These arrogant ass holes (to whom it may concern) practically think they are far away better or smarter than everyone else that they can't stop pouring criticisms. I'm sorry but to jump to your own conclusion is probably the most selfish thing you've ever done.  

They even ignored my bare existence whenever I try to advise them. Am I some unseen, unheard & unfelt wispy mist that is drifting away from everyone and everything? You know, I was just trying to appease you in every crevice & to be caring, so don't blame me if I become an uncaring soul tomorrow. 

ALERT: world ends in 2 days!

"eating as much as i can because the world ends in 2 days!"  

So according to some 'genius' mankind, the world is going to end on this 21st of December 2012. but honestly, I seriously am fatigued of hearing those rumours bout how is the world going to end on that particular date. it's good, yeah very very good to be prepared but you can't strongly believe that the cruel world ends in 2 days. yes of course I know it is possible for it to happen 'cause if Allah can make anything happen then why He couldn't make the world ends on that predicted date? we don't know what the future holds. but from what Im concerened...this isnt the time just yet :)

But if the world is not going to end this week, remember you can die any time. Nevertheless, the world WILL end & that's for sure! And when the world ends, I'm not really sure if I'd be able to deal with it 'cause at that time there's no refuge. you alone, die alone. that doomsday feels like something that hasn't been felt before by you as you know you shouldn't feel. You know, when the world explodes into pieces um...so, try to sit back & think wisely- what shall you do by now.

As we know the world can end in any time & I'd always thought of it tho. You know, maybe it'll happen when you're swimming enjoying your exquisite life happily with your friends or family. or when you're preaching for good? we won't know. so yeah, I'm not writing this solely just to fill up my free time & I'm not trying to be pious of course but I thought I would help you out by giving some advice because as a 'concerned' Muslim it's actually my duty & responsibility to advise others as constant reminders for them & myself as well. 

i make mistakes. so, maybe i'd be hurled into hell as well. but i really, truly, genuinely  hope not. tsk tsk

Jerry

My sanity has finally decided to expose this>you know, this isn't THAT unique or whatever but...it is. I'm still unsure if I should feel, elated, serene, sad, horny, excited or maybe I'm just scared if other Believers in Bieber will attack me or something but I'm actually Justin Bieber's girlfriend! Yes, I am. OMG, I TECHNICALLY CAN'T STOP FANGIRLING OVER THIS PERFECTLY MADE CREATURE. 

I know, I've wasted half of my life listening to him & no regrets- productive. I am dangerously in love with Justin Drew Bieber aka Husband of Mine. I seriously cannot survive another minute with this young man, ugh too hot to be the sexiest beast alive. Justin intellectually stole my heart.

Dying.

School is sooooo not fun. At all! And all the school rules are just too strict. I have to obey all the stupid rules to escape from discipline teachers -,- Plus this is my first year in high school. Being nerd is what I have to do all this while. How stupid is that?

Now, I'm starting to be busy with studies. Books are officially my best friends from now on. And this is so exhausting... .Okay, that's all for today ;)