big jump

i was still strapped in my seat when i saw the rain started drenching the kajang town. i leaned forward, resting my face in my hands and thinking about the new things id be bombarded with today as a form 4 student, in the school ive been going since std 1. my dad stopped the car. i got a little bit excited and nervous at that moment. well, normal people would usually go to their friends once their parents dropped them at school but not me. i had to line up with some of my friends at the front gate, waiting for our turns to write our names as the late comers lol k as what other schools would do on their first day, we did the same thing—we started off by hearing our cocky principle rambling about.....err sorry i never really gave a damn about anything she said, so i really cant recall anything lol mengantuk doh bangun awal k anyways today was so much worse than i expected. those smart people in my class are not helping at all. theyre making my self esteem goes from 0% to -27% every time. they keep making me feel as though im not eligible to be in a sc streamed class! can u feEL THE PRESSURE?!

sigh

first day of school had been so busy already and yet i can still update this shit. i bet yall could smell this years scents of busyness too as they permeate in every crevice of ur keypads loooool k u see, ive been teased with the taste of hell since i started my life as a secondary school student. everything has been changing drastically since then. they made me practice what they are not going to ask again tomorrow. the things i learnt mean absolutely nothing now. everything is being thrown away, like slow death, im starting to laugh at how stupid i was for not studying the form 4 syllabus from the start. i swear this years syllabus is so culture shocking man. however, i believe that along the way as im learning more and more each day, ill find myself answering the shits i never knew existed. i know in time, i would definitely get better. yep altho i know somehow, sometime in the future, all these wouldnt mean so much. but nvm, everyone will suffer this utmost degree of suffering eventually.

im telling yall; it requires a great deal of expertise to deal with these drastic of changes ceh im talking as if ive lived for 765 years

fast forward 18 months

the clock at the bedside shows 9 in the am, i was tossing and turning, hoping i could sleep it off but i just couldnt and then i thought of my abandoned blog sooooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL!!! OMG ITS ALREADY 2015

...lol here comes the guilt for still existing. aaaahhhh!!! two k fifteen arrived too soon omg i cant believe ill be celebrating my sweet 16 in 3 months time lol ok so talking bout new year, all of u must have had new years resolutions right? but im sure most of it are just from ur last years new-years-resolutions list that was supposed to be done in the year bfr last year...which u wrote in 2012 and planned in 2011 bcs mine is like that but i just added in a new one which is "be friends with hot guys" as i never had handsome friends :(

2014— it was an awkward year, that i must say. it all started explicitly perfect! bcs december 2013 ended with rainbows and swarmed with butterflies lol little did i know, as days passed by, things became sour that i wondered if was it just an ordinary phase everyone was enduring as well or was it hell. "it is going to be ok sooner" i told myself. hours became days, days became weeks, and weeks became months...not a damn sign that it was gonna be ok. it became worse! i had to deal with me looking at every hot guy i saw and thinking "this is it! this is love, isnt it? were really meant for each other baby" afterwards convincing myself that it was true; i was in love, the unexpected news of pt3, the pt3 result i was told to be proud of regardless of how bad it is and the hypocrites leaving me in the end omg i could die of heartbreak if i think back of the lies they told me but im fixed to be fixed, as im always broken lol after all it was still a year, i enjoyed it nonetheless.

sigh~~ if i had the power to turn back time, id stop at when i talked to the guy i loved, for the first time. when we were both sitting on the seats (obv), overlooking our mates running at the full speed during mssd last year. the scene i oddly could still paint at the back of my mind— his lovely face. imagine how wonderful my life would be with the absence of the lover of the guy whom i thought i was destined to be with lol it must had been perfect. id live eternally in that moment. 

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt, what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."